XXVII. The Lost Episode of Pawn Stars: The Phallic Appraisal

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You are Dick Harrison, owner of Gold and Silver Pawn Shop in Las Vegas, Nevada. You work with your son, Big "Cock" Hoss, and his friend, Cum Lee. A man enters the store with a phallic shaped object; proof that you NEVER know what is going to come through that door.

The next day, you receive an urgent phone call from a man named John Teller. He tells you he has found a way to make the bomb that was used on Pearl Harbor explode anywhere in the world!

> You say "How much are you willing to sell this bomb for?"

Teller tells you the bomb was stolen from some Germans who had it confiscated at the end of the last World War.

> You say "I run a business here, the best that I can do is 50 dollars. I need to pay bills, and feed my fatass son."

Teller snaps his fingers at one of his men who goes to a backroom and returns with a wad of money. He puts it in front of you and you count it. It's all hundreds.

> You say "Why are you stealing my money?"

Teller looks at you and cracks his knuckles. He grins evilly as his two men holding pistols point them at you.

"We're not stealin', we're extorting!" Teller says.

> You summon your apprentice, Cum Lee.

You call out for your son, and when he appears you hand him the money you were given. He counts it out.

"This is pretty light, Pop," your son says.

> You say "You're not very light, son. Lose some weight, fatass."

Your son grins at the comment and goes back to counting out the money. After he finishes, he gives you the new total.

> You say "How much is it?"

"A cool one million," your son replies.

"What?!" you shout.

Your son smiles as he continues.

"There's more where that came from."

You stare at your son in disbelief.

> You take the money, and leave the room.

"Sure thing, Mr. Harrison," your son replies.

> You head back to Gold and Silver Pawn Shop, where your son with his massive cock awaits.

Big Hoss does indeed have a massive prick. While most of his body is flabby, his meatstick is so thick it would be illegal to make it into a weapon.

> You say "Hello, Big Cock Hoss. I see that your phallus is sizeable as ever. You been working it out?"

"Yeah, yeah," Big Hoss says as he stares at your large prick, which is half hanging out of your pants.

> You say "It does run in the family. How about you show me what your old man gave you?"

"Sure thing, Daddy," Big Hoss says as he unzips and pulls out his monster meatstick.

A customer walks in, and is curious, although disturbed by the scenario presented in front of him.

"Can I see some ID?" the clerk asks Big Hoss.

Big Hoss fumbles with his wallet and then hands over his driver's license, which the clerk studies.

> You say "That package looks awfully suspicious. How about we inspect it?"

The customer begins backing away from Big Hoss and his wallet.

Suddenly, Cum Lee tackles him from behind as he backs away. He drops the wallet and grabs his gun from his side holster. He points it at the man and yells at Big Hoss to put his hands up. Big Hoss complies.

Big Hoss pulls his weapon sized cock out, and slaps the customer with it. He laughs as he forces him to service it with his mouth. After a few moments, Big Hoss tells him to get up and continue backing up until he can no longer see him.

> You open up the package, and see your "Old Man"'s ashes presented before you.

You open up the package with your boxcutter and dump out the ashes inside. They're almost entirely bone fragments...almost. There are some pieces of human skull as well.

> You say "How much for the ashes?"

"One thousand," Gerald replies.

You look at Big Hoss, who nods at the figure.

> You say "The best I can do is 50 dollars."

Gerald pulls a gun from his belt and holds it to your head. Big Hoss draws his pistol, but remains silent.

"It's my lucky day," Gerald says as he points the gun at your head.

Cum Lee pulls out a Super Soaker filled with cum, and sprays Gerald. His eyes widen in shock and he fires his own gun, shooting Big Hoss in the neck, who falls to the ground in a heap.

> You stuff the wound by inserting your penis into his gaping neck hole.

Big Hoss gargles as you jam your hardon into his throat as he gags on it, choking but still managing to service your throbbing member.

Cum Lee grabs Gerald from behind, and begins to strangle him. Gerald shits his pants in response. As Big Hoss desperately tries to speak, blood squirts out of his mouth. He's gargling his own blood!

> You pour the blood into a carton of Poop Milk, making a sacred cocktail known for its healing properties.

Big Hoss manages to gargle out an apology as he gags on your dong, before passing out completely.

> You pour the mixture down his throat, reviving him.

Big Hoss regains consciousness as your swollen member erupts with black goo.

> You karth.

> You pick up the ashes, and take them to the back room to appraise the value.

You sit down at the table as the world fades away once more into oblivion. Your mind seems to explode with ideas as everything starts falling into place. Perhaps you're not meant to leave this place just yet...

Dick Harrison begins to hallucinate, and a picture of Gru begins to appear before his eyes. He starts to speak...

"Gru!" he shouts, causing the dwarves to turn around and look at him. One of them approaches slowly before stopping directly in front of him.

"I want to hear more about Gru."

You realize that the fragments are those of Gru's minions, and not of your father. Though fragments of his mind may be trapped within, they're only those of lowly dwarves and goblins, none of the noble savagery of Gru himself.

> You say "Gru, my lord. Please allow me to service thine member at this very moment."

"Sure thing, Big Hoss," Gru replies as you stand up.

The dwarf is so small that he has to crouch to match your erect height.

> You get to work, slobbering on Gru's knob as he begins to moan with pleasure.

Gru starts moaning as he thrusts into your mouth. He tastes slightly different than other members, but then again, so did Draven, and they were both unique in their own way.

> You summon Gru's Brother.

"Who's there?" Big Hoss asks nervously, standing up immediately and pointing his gun at you.

"J-j-join in!" Gru moans as he thrusts into your mouth.

Gru's brothers name is BBD, short for Big Black Dick. He is 7'1, and weighs 350 pounds. His member is large, enough so that no mouth could possibly fit it. He will have to enter another hole... namely your sister's.

He walks over slowly, as if sensing the horror in your mind, while stroking his massive meat pole. He reaches over, and grabs your sister by the hair, pulling her up from her seat and forcing her to kneel in front of him. Her mouth goes agape as she panics, but she begins pleading for him to enter her mouth instead.

Suddenly, Big Hoss splashes a glass of Poop Milk in your face, snapping you out of the hallucination.

"What the hell is this?" he asks, horrified.

"It's what you ordered, sir," you say nervously.

"I can't hear myself think with all this noise!" he says, silencing everyone with an angry look.

> You say "Look, I have a buddy who is an expert on penises and penis accessories. Let me call him up, he'll be here in 20 minutes."

Big Hoss considers this offer, and nods in agreement. "Alright," he says skeptically, "but I'm leaving.

The expert arrives, and appraises your member. He is bald, with glasses, and is wearing a yellow flannel. "I'm feeling a light to decent 9 on this cock, it has a nice tone to it, with a fantastic curvature and the perfect amount of hair." He grabs your member and begins pumping it up and down as you groan in pleasure. He begins sucking on the head, rolling his tongue around it as you wince from pleasure.

> You say "How much could a cock like this go for on the internet?"

He frowns in confusion, before replying "Uh... why do you need to know that?

> You say "I no longer require my penis; for I am downsizing and looking to live a monastic lifestyle."

The man looks at you confused for a second before understanding dawns on his face. "Oh... you're a sellout! You're one of THOSE guys!"

You nod eagerly.

> You say "So how much would it be worth?"

"Well," he says, clearly enjoying informing you, "a lot. If you were to post it on a website called thedeepdickDungeon it would probably get around 4-6 thousand dollars."

> You say "How much would you pay?"

He pauses for a second as if thinking extremely hard before replying "I don't think I'd actually pay to watch you get spunked on. I think I'll pass."

> You say "How much would you pay for my cock?"

He thinks for a second as he lifts his pants to reveal a tight pair of shorts that seem to be all elastic and no fabric. On the inside of the legs are two holes, each covered with a tight rubber glove.

> You say "HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY FOR MY GOD DAMN COCK YOU FAT RETARD ANSWER ME IT IS A SIMPLE QUESTION YOU FUCKING BALD CUCK"

He looks terrified as he starts to pull at his shorts but they seem to be stuck to him tightly as he seems to struggle with them for a moment.

> You say "WHERE'S THE COCK PRICE LEBOWSKI"

"100 million dollars," he answers instantly.

"WHAT!?" you ask, surprised at the high price.

"100 million dollars," he states again with certainty.

"That's outrageous!"

> You say "Pay me for it, right this instant."

He looks at you with disdain before turning his head away in disgust and shouting for someone to help him get rid of you.

Big Hoss enters the room.

"What's going on?" he asks before noticing your half hard member.

"Jesus Christ...who paid you...the Indians?" he asks, terrified at the thought.

In order to acquire the money, you get to work. You pull out a bowie knife, and start sawing at your previously erect member. It takes about a minute of hacking at yourself before you're free of your pesky package.

> You hand the penis over to the melon shaped man, who graciously accepts.

The Melon Man thanks you profusely as he stuffs your flaccid member into his pants. He pulls out a cell phone and makes a few calls before putting the phone to his ear.

> You take the 100 million dollars, and leave the room.

You walk out of the warehouse and find yourself in a parking lot outside. A fancy car pulls up beside you, its driver waving for you to hop in. You oblige as you climb into the passenger seat.

"So...who are you?" the man asks as he puts the car in drive and pulls out into traffic. "I'm Ben," he adds after a moment.

"I'm Thomas,"

> You say "Is your last name Dover?"

Ben stops fidgeting in his seat for a moment as he goes still. "Yes...you're Thomas' father," he says slowly as if realising it for the first time.

> You say "I have a son named Thomas?"

Ben nods slowly as his hands grip the steering wheel tightly. "He's been missing for six years now."

Your stomach drops as you sit in silence, the car driving you through a sea of endless city streets.

Cum Lee's name is Thomas, he simply goes by the name Cum. He's been missing since your company was hired to track him down back in 2011. If Ben's going to tell you where he is now, you'd better hurry up with your story because time is running out.

> You say "I already know where he is. He's in my store, he's simply too fat to leave."

Ben immediately perks up and looks out the window as if hoping to see your store from the window next. "Are you sure?"

"Yes,"

> You say "We stuff him full every day, so that he can never leave us."

Ben smiles weakly and nods his head slowly as he turns back to driving.

> You look down, and see that your recently removed member has started to bleed.

Blood drips onto your jeans as you push the bottom of your trousers up with your free hand. "Ben, I need to tell you something," you say, trying not to look directly at your oozing junk.

> You say "My penis was removed, in exchange for 100 million dollars."

Ben screams as he slams on the brakes, the car slamming into the back of the line of traffic ahead of you. The car sits idling as Ben blinks at you, confusion obvious on his face.

> You say "It's true. A man who goes by "TheNeedleDrop" purchased it, for his collection."

Ben's eyes widen before bursting into laughter. After several seconds, he stops laughing and turns towards you. "It was the only thing I could get him to agree to."

> You pull your pants down, and show him your stump.

He bursts into tears, leaning over and placing his face in his hands. "Why did this have to happen?" he cries pitifully, his voice thick with grief. "This isn't fair."

> You say "Please sir, may I have your cock as a replacement?"

He cries for a few minutes more, before getting himself together enough to nod at you. "Okay," he says, drawing a deep breath. "My name is Ben."

> You say "Where are we driving?"

"My house," he answers. "I don't live far from here."

> You say "Why"

He pauses, seeming to choose his words carefully. "My father killed himself six years ago," he explains.

> You say "That's the same time that my son went missing. Are you my grandson?"

He nods slowly. "I'm sorry for your loss," you say sympathetically.

"It's not really a loss," Ben explains sadly.

> You say "Yes, I am aware. My father anally penetrated me as a child."

"Ah," Ben smiles weakly. "That's good."

The car pulls up into Ben's driveway shortly after you finish talking. "I live here," he says, killing the engine and opening the door.

Big Hoss jumps out of the trunk, and uses his massive cock to choke Ben. He struggles for several minutes before Big Hoss lets him go, stepping back as he does so. "Get out," he orders.

You exit the vehicle, and Ben follows immediately after.

Big Hoss then uses his cock to slap him, knocking him 100 feet down the road, and killing him.

With that, Big Hoss hops back into the car, which drives away quickly before anyone can react. The car soon disappears from sight.

John Teller sets off a Pearl Harbor explosion inside of the car, killing Big Hoss. His car explodes spectacularly, leaving no evidence of who was inside or what happened to them.

> You see a mushroom cloud in the distance.

One hour later...

An explosion tears through the street as your fist meets Ben's face, knocking him backwards as his glasses break and fall off his face.

> You flip him over, and pile drive his spine, firing the contents of his intestines everywhere.

The life literally rushes out of Ben's body as it snaps like a twig, sending his brain matter flying and splattering across a dozen blockfaces.

> You destroy the evidence by eating his brain matter.

Eating human brain matter has made you feel strange and dizzy, but if you want to avoid the police you need to act now. Quickly you sprint over to Ben's body and begin stripping it.

> You appraise the body.

Stripping a man naked and leaving him naked isn't exactly the most dignified way to end his life, but then you're not trying to be dignified right now.

> You say "You offer the mans corpse to a nearby coroner."

As you stand there in shock at what you just said, you see a paramedic run over to the body.

"What happened?" he asks. "We were just taking him home and he was conscious and fine!"

> You say "I murdered him. He was Jewish."

The paramedic shrugs and begins searching for a pulse, and finds one before slumping over.

> You use transmutation to move Ben's cock to your own body. You then use your newfound member to slap him, destroying his skull.

Fists bloodied, you step outside and find two police officers walking towards your house. They're in for a big surprise when they find a naked man waiting for them in their driveway...

> You head back to the store, looking for Cum Lee.

You head back to the store, looking for... oh wait, that's not your name anymore. You're now 'Big Red'. Who cares? You're a murderer now!

Cum Lee finally steps out of the broken window from the earlier fight. He falls on you, killing you instantly.

The End