I. Dawn of Mandler

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"You are Adam Mandler, CEO of the Mandler Corporation. Your daily duties involve many politicians and important people. Today, you are in a meeting with Kim Jong Un. He is currently the leader of North Korea."

"What's this about?" you ask. "I thought I was just visiting my family for Christmas."

"Yes, yes," Mr Mandler says. "

> My Vice President, Grogman, will see that your family is safe.

The man at the door opens it to reveal a short, balding man wearing a suit. His eyes widen when he sees you and his hands clench into fists.

"Grog!" he exclaims loudly as if speaking to everyone in the room.

> "Attaboy! I haven't seen you in a fortnight, Grogman!"

"Hey, Grog!" you reply. "It's been a month since we last spoke."

He looks at you for a moment before replying.

> Grogman replies, "I've been so busy castrating all of the McDonald's board members"

"Well, that was fun, but now I'm really busy with some other things. We need to talk more often."

"Sure. What else do you want to discuss?"

"Nothing much. Just business matters."

> "Have you seen Gru around lately? I hear he is milking Kim Jong Un and will stuff him later"

"No, I have not. Why would I go find out where he is?"

"Because you're worried about me."

Mr Mandler smiles at your comment. "Oh no, don't worry about that. He isn't going to get himself killed or anything like that."

> Gru appears out of nowhere and shouts "I will stuff you all in the crust!"

"Good thing you didn't say that, because then I might have done it anyway!"

Mr Mandler laughs. "Ha ha! Yes, well, good luck with that one."

You walk back to your car and drive off.

> I look back and see that Grogman is in the backseat. He looks sad.

You turn around and see Grogman sitting in the backseat crying.

> "Why are you crying, Grogman?"

"I... I can't believe you left me..."

> "I am Adam Mandler, I could never leave you"

"But you did..."

> "A voice in my head told me to. It wasn't the real me, you have to believe me!"

> You continue "And I won't."

> You say "So, what are you doing here?"

"I came to ask you a favor."

> You say "What kind of favor?"

"To take me home...

> "Sure, but we need to go get Gru. We can't leave him here with Kim Jong Un"

> You say "OK, let's go get Gru."

> You say "See ya later, Grogman"

"Gru has to be stopped," you tell Mr Mandler.

> "He has been stuffing too many people and milking too few", Mandler replies.

"Yes, yes, I know. Let's stop him."

> Suddenly, the phallic constants align, and Gru appears outside the window, staring straight up at you.

"Ah, Gru, why do you always come when I call for you?"

> "Because I can smell the milk", Gru replies

"Well, I suppose you're right. But what should we do about this problem?"

> "We must get Grogman and initiate our plan

"Good idea! Now then, let's go find Grogman and get started on this plan. Good luck!"

> I hop onto the top of a truck, headed towards Grogman's car

You jump off the truck, and run along the road towards Grogman's car. Suddenly, you hear a loud noise from behind you. Looking back, you see that it was Gru who had jumped out of his car and ran after you.

> Throw eggs at Gru while running to Grogman's car

You throw an egg at Gru as he runs past you. He ducks down, but not before you duck your head and catch the egg in your mouth. You toss the egg into a nearby bush, where it breaks open and drops its contents onto Gru's face.

> Gru shouts "I will stuff you in the crust for this!"

You turn around, and see Gru pointing a gun at you.

> "It's milk time" Gru says. Suddenly, you hear a loud noise. Gru screams as Grogman castrates him. "It's mandatory", Grogman mumbles.

> You say "I'm sorry!", and run away.

You run away, and hide in the bushes until you hear a gunshot. Then, you look up, and see Grogman shooting Gru in the face with a pistol.

> I walk up to Grogman and say "That's why you're my second in command. Good work"

Grogman looks at you, and nods. "Yeah, yeah, good job. We'll be able to finish this quickly now."

> I finally drive Grogman home

You drive Grogman home, and you both sit inside the house. The next day comes, and you tell Gru how much fun it is to watch Grogman grow. You begin to wonder if you shouldn't have just killed him earlier...

> "Gru, how am I able to talk to you, since you are dead?"

Gru looks at you, and shrugs. "The same way you talk to me. It's magic."

> "I don't believe in magic"

Gru shakes his head. "No, no, no. Magic is real. But it doesn't do anything unless you want it to."

> "Gru, I need your help to kill Grogman. I think he's trying to usurp my position in the Mandler Corporation."

Gru looks at you, and sighs. "He isn't trying to usurp your position in the corporation. He wants to take over the world."

> "He keeps saying that he will castrate everyone and end the human species"

Gru shakes his head. "No, he won't do that. That would be genocide."

> "It's true. We need to stop him, but he won't meet with me lately"

Gru shakes his head. "No, he will meet with you soon. But not today."

> "What should I do in the meantime?"

Gru smiles. "Well, I suggest you go out and get some fresh air."

> I walk outside, the image of Gru in my mind fades and in the distance I see a shadowy figure.

You walk outside, and as you approach the building, you notice something strange. There is a man standing on top of one of the buildings nearby. He has long black hair, and wears a dark suit.

> "Who are you, what are you doing?" I shout at him

The man turns around, and looks at you. His eyes are bloodshot from lack of sleep, and his face is pale. He holds a pistol in each hand, and appears to be staring right into your soul.

> "Sir! Answer me! Please!"

The man raises his hands. "I'm sorry sir, but I can't tell you who I am or where I come from."

> "Did Grogman hire you?"

The man nods. "Yes, sir."

> "So I suppose he's sent you to kill me, right?"

The man frowns. "No, sir."

> "What, then?"

The man sighs. "I don't know, sir."

> "You lie! He sent you here to kill me, what else could he want from me?"

The man stares at you for a moment. "I... I have no idea sir."

> "But yet you cannot tell me who you are and what you're doing on that roof?"

The man shakes his head. "I've tried sir, but I just can't tell you anything about myself."

> "You must be bound by a curse." I say. I waggle my fingers at him intensely and try to break his curse.

The man doesn't seem to take it well. "A curse? What sort of curse?"

> "It's a curse where you cannot speak words or access memories, a sort of jinx if you will"

He frowns. "That's not true sir, I can remember everything that happened before this day."

> I finally break his curse and ask him who he is

The man looks down. "My name is Thaddeus."

> "Thaddeus. What did Grogman hire you to do?"

Thaddeus begins to smile. "Sir, I'm sorry, but I really can't tell you much more than that. It was an important job and I had to get there as soon as possible."

> Thaddeus suddenly pulls a gun out from his pocket, points it at me while smiling, and dives off the roof

You grab the gun and fire several shots at Thaddeus, hitting him in the chest. The man falls to the ground dead instantly.

> I search Thaddeus's body for evidence of his intentions

You pick up a piece of paper with Thaddeus's handwriting. "To my family, friends and fans," it reads.

> I flip over the paper and read the note on the back

Dear Family, Friends and Fans,

This letter is to inform you all that I am leaving the band. I know it may come as a surprise to some of you that I would leave such a successful group, but trust me when I say this decision was very difficult.

> The letter continues: "I have been hired by a mysterious man named Grogman to track down and kill his boss. If I do not succeed, I want to say that I love you all".

You look around and see no one else has noticed your actions.

> I go back to my house and sleep. I see Gru in my dreams again...

As you wake up, you find yourself lying on your bed in a dreamless sleep. You slowly open your eyes and see nothing but darkness. Then, you hear a voice coming from above.

"Hello, Mr. Smith."

> "My name's Adam Mandler, not Smith"

"Yes, yes, I know who you are now. That's good, because I need someone to help me."

> "Help you do what? I've got problems of my own already."

"No, I mean like I said before, I need someone to help me track down and kill Grogman's boss. He is a powerful wizard who controls a large army of demons. This task will be easy if we work together."

> "But I killed you... Your letter said those things, not you. You must be some sort of illusion, because I am Grogman's boss, Mr Mandler."

"Well, I suppose so..."

> "I Knew it!" I say, as I finally wake up.

The next day, you meet with Grogman outside his office. As soon as he sees you, he smiles and says "Ah! It's you! What brings you here?"

> "Today, the only thing that brings me here is you" I quickly pull out an oversized pair of scissors

Grogman looks at you and then at the scissors. "What are you doing?"

> "I think you know what I'm doing. I'm doing your job" I say as I lunge the scissors at his exposed testicles

Grogman pulls away from you and screams. "Adam, please don't...!"

> Suddenly, I hear a familiar voice behind me whisper, "It's milk time", and I feel myself being milked

You're standing in front of Grogman, still holding the scissors. His face is covered in blood and his body completely limp. You take him into your arms and start to carry him towards the nearest nearby cow shed where you can let loose a nice warm milking.

> The person who whispered to me earlier followed and I turn to face him. I am surprised by who I see...

A young woman with long blonde hair and wearing a white dress walks up to you. She wears a smile on her face, but she has no joy in her expression. Her eyes seem filled with pain and sadness. "Are you okay?"

> "Oh, I thought you were something else, erm I mean, someone else"

"I'm sorry about that, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

> "It's just that he was very close to me. Your voice reminded me of him"

"Yes, yes, I remember now. He was very sweet and caring. But he had a dark side too. He could be quite sadistic when angered or upset."

> "Do you remember what his name was?"

"No, I've forgotten most of them. They were all so long ago."

> "His name was Gru."

"Yes, his name was Gru. And he died today."

> "Grogman killed him. I now realize that Grogman was the one who I should have killed."

"So you did kill him? Is that right?"

> "He's not dead yet."

"What do you mean? How can he be alive after my attack?"

> "You did not attack him. That was all me."

"But how could you know that it was me?"

> Suddenly, the woman takes off her mask to reveal that it was Gru all along.

"I knew it! I knew it!" She cries out as tears begin to form in her eyes. "How could you possibly believe that I would ever harm you? I am the monster here, not you! My actions were always my own and they will forever remain so!"

> "I'm sorry, Gru, I should have trusted you."

>

"You're sorry? For what?"

> "I sort of told Grogman to kill you"

> You say "And he didn't listen."

> You say "I shouldn't have believed you..."

>

"Well... I guess I just wasn't strong enough to trust you. But then again, maybe that's why you were able to help me."

> "Can you help me deal with Grogman? He's still unconscious in the shed over there"

> You say "I'll come with you."

> You say "Goodbye, Gru."

The next day, you wake up to find yourself alone in the house. The door is locked from the inside and no one has entered since yesterday morning.

> I look out the window and suddenly Grogman flies through the window, tackling me in the process

"Ahh! I knew it! I knew you were a liar!" He screams as he begins beating your head into mush.

> "Gru! Help" I call out

"Hah! I knew it! I knew you were a liar!" He yells back.

> "Not you too, Gru! I thought you were my friend"

> You say "No, you weren't. I'm sorry for believing you!"

>

He lets go of your body and falls to the ground, dead. As you stand up, you see that the house is now completely dark.

> I finally wake up

>

You slowly open your eyes and notice that you are lying on the floor of an empty room. A light shines above you, illuminating the area around you. There is a table in front of you with several books laid out before it.

> I pick up a book and read the title aloud: "Gru's cock, by Albert Einstein"

> You continue reading until you realize that this is not going anywhere.

> You close your eyes and fall asleep.

> I awake to see Grogman staring down at me. My arms and legs are restrained. "What the fuck!" I shout

> You tell him to stop.

> You ask if he can release you.

> He says yes, but only after you give him something else first.

> You agree and he takes off his belt and hands it to you.

> "What is this?"

> He tells you that it's a key to the cellar where Grogman keeps all of his treasure.

> You say "How do we get there?"

> He explains that he will lead you there, but only after he gives you something else first.

> He gives me a massive pair of scissors that look very familiar

> You say "This is what you gave me last night?"

> He nods.

> You take them and cut your wrists. Then he puts the belt around your neck and leads you towards the stairs leading up to the attic.

> "Please take the belt off my neck, I can't breathe" I wheeze

> He stops you from doing so.

> You gasp for air.

> He tells you to hold still while he goes upstairs to fetch some rope.

> While Grogman goes upstairs, I clamber towards the window, undo the latch, and climb out

> You hear the sound of Grogman coming back downstairs.

> You wait patiently for him to come back down, then you start climbing down the ladder into the basement.

> The ladder creaks as you descend it.

> I suddenly change my mind and climb back up the ladder, walk onto the road, and start running away from the house

> You run through the streets of town and disappear.

> You don't know how long you're gone for, but eventually you find yourself outside the city walls again.

The next day, you manage to escape back to civilization.

> I go to Gru's old apartment and unlock the door

> You enter and find himself sitting in his chair.

> You ask him about the keys to the cellar.

> He tells you that they were given to him by Grogman.

> "Wait, you tried to help Grogman kill me earlier!"

> He laughs and says "No, I was just trying to help you."

> You try to explain that he had no right to do such a thing, but he doesn't seem convinced.

> You think about it...he did give you a key to the cellar!

> "I don't care about his fucking cellar! I just want us all to stop fighting each other."

> He agrees with you, but adds that he has to leave soon because he needs to make sure his family isn't going to be affected by any more war.

> You both agree on one condition: you have to meet up again sometime.

> You agree and part ways.

> The end

> You continue...

You are walking along when you see a man who looks like Grogman approaching an old mansion. He wears a dark blue suit and carries a briefcase. When he gets closer, you notice that he has a scar across his face and his eyes are bloodshot.

> "Grogman, is that you? I haven't seen you in 20 years, when you tried to castrate me"

> He smiles at you and says "Yes, yes it is. It's been a long time since we've met though. How have you been?"

> You tell him about your encounter with Gru and how he helped you out.

> "Have you seen Gru lately?"

> He nods and says "He hasn't left his office. I assume he's working on something important."

> You nod in agreement and continue talking.

> You mention that you need to get some things to the basement and Grogman mentions that he knows where it is.

> "Still on about that basement? I didn't care 20 years ago, and I still don't today."

> He asks if you want to go together, but you decline.

> You tell him that he should come with you.

> You both head off in different directions.

> Suddenly, a hand grabs my mouth and pulls me back into a bush

> You scream as loud as you can and struggle to break free.

> The voice calls out "Don't move a muscle or I'll turn this sound into pain!"

> You fight harder than ever, but you feel like your body is being slowly turned inside-out.

> It's like I'm being stuffed... "Wait. Gru, is that you?"

> You hear a laugh from behind you.

> You look behind you and see Grogman standing there holding a knife to your throat.

> You manage to pull away just in time for him to stab you through the heart.

> As you die, you see Grogman pull off his mask and reveal Gru's face. He was two men at the same time.

> You die knowing that you were able to save the world from destruction.

> You finish your story.

"What kind of question is that?!" you exclaim angrily.

"It's not a question,"

- YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -