XXVI. Chronicles of Hugh Test Pt 3: Hugh and the Phallic Tattoos

Click to go back to The Scriptures

You are Hugh Test. You like to make meatloaf for your son Johnny Test. You live in the town of Porkbelly. You love making things go wrong, but so right.

The day has finally come. The last of the pigs have been slaughtered and you sit at a table with your wife Mary and their two children. They are all excited about what is going to happen next, but it isn't quite enough for you.

> You slaughter Mary.

You hold a butcher knife and stab Mary in the stomach repeatedly, spilling her insides on the ground.

You pull out the knife and laugh, as you take in all your hard work.

"No more mutants," you laugh. "No more of them!"

Another mutant appears, and you press the knife to his throat.

"No more," you say. "You're going to have to find some other food source."

You pull the knife out of the dying mutant's throat and throw it to the ground, stepping on it as it bleeds out.

> You shit yourself.

You're suddenly covered in shit, not knowing how it came to be. You frantically look around for a solution, finding nothing. You begin to panic, before Mary arrives, looking at you.

"I'll clean you up," she says.

You feel the presence of a strong individual approaching, and you prepare for the assault. You stand back as William finishes off the mutant.

"We need to leave this place," he says.xxxxx

"I agree," you say.

"What's wrong?" William asks.

"I just... Just killed someone. I'm fine,"

You don't even have time to react before you feel yourself being stuffed by Gru. You can barely breathe, let alone escape.

"Don't worry, I'll save you some problems," he says, as he begins to fly away.

You try to reach for your revolver, but you know it's not going to be enough.

Gru tackles you to the ground as you hear a shot being fired, before the butt of a gun smacking into your head.

You fall into darkness, before you awake lying in a bed. You look around, finding yourself in the church. You stand up, finding yourself healed up.

Gru floats over to you, his horrible face smiling.

"How do you feel?" he asks.

"Disappointed," you say.

"What do you mean?" Gru asks.

"You could have killed me. You could have killed my son. You didn't have to do that to save my life, you could have left me to die."

"Could you have killed me?" Gru asks.

"I don't know. Could you have killed me?" you ask.

"No," Gru says.

You walk outside, finding your family standing around you.

"Dad, look! You're alive!" your daughter says.

"I am, isn't he dad?" you say.

"We have to get him to a hospital,"

> You say "Gru, what are the Phallic Cunts ?"

You grab your revolver from your truck, loading a bullet into the chamber.

"What are the Phallic Cunts ?" you ask.

"Uh, women,"

"Yes, I knew that. I meant what do they symbolize?

> You say "Gru, what are the Phallic Cunts ?"

"Uh, well they're uh... symbols of..."

"Fuck you," you say. "I asked you a question."

"Well, they're um, a group of rebellious women who don't want to submit to the males of their species," Gru says.

"What?"

> You say "THE PHALLIC CUNTS !!! THE PHALLIC CUNTS !!!"

You drop the revolver as it explodes, killing you and destroying the church.

YOU HAVE FAILED.

[Sigh]

[Exhale]

Congratulations, you are the newest member of the "fucking idiots who thought this was a good idea" club.

> You invoke the Phallic Cunts.

You grab your shotgun, and walk outside. You see a dark alley, and quickly step inside it. You pull out your revolver and check the shells, before stepping back inside the light to look down the dark alley.

You see movement, and quickly raise your shotgun.

> You raise your cock like your son.

You raise your shotgun, pointing it down the alley as you walk towards it.

You step off into the light, and pull out your shotgun.

"Who's there?" you ask.

A woman steps out from around the corner, holding a bat.

> You the phallic cunts.

"I'm here," the woman says.

"Do you need help?" you ask.

"I'm fine," the woman says, stepping back around the corner.

You walk down the alley, before seeing a trio of women standing there.

> You cum.

You step back, quickly pulling the trigger. You watch as the lead flies, hitting one of the women in the leg. She screams, collapsing to the ground. The other two run off, you quickly aim your shotgun at the one who has fallen.

"Cunt!"

> You cum.

You empty your shotgun at the fallen woman, before stepping back and looking around. You notice two things. The first is that the other woman has disappeared. The second is that you've just ruined your favourite pants.

You walk down the alley, before seeing a trio of women standing there.

> You say "Your cunts look like my meatloaf !"

"Your cunts look like my meatloaf !" you say.

The women look at you, before stepping back.

"I think we've found the guy," one says to the others.

"What, really?" the other asks.

"Yeah, let's go," the first says, turning around and walking off.

"Wait," you say. "You're the cunts?"

"You could say that," the second woman says, stepping forward and grabbing you.

You struggle, before you find your head being smashed against the wall. You see stars as your vision goes black, before you see the woman approaching you again.

"I'm going to ask you a question," she says. "And I want you to think very carefully before you answer."

" Question...?" you ask.

"Did you kill Joachim?" she asks.

"I don't know," you say.

The woman smiles, before hitting you in the head with her bat.

> You invoke the Phallic Constants and start levitating.

Your brain begins to heat up, as you feel yourself being levitated into the air. You grab the woman, grabbing her wrists and holding her arms out to each side. You feel your body heat begin to rise, as you look down at the woman.

> You rip her skin off.

Your hands begin to burn, as your entire body starts to glow. You feel your skin tearing as you flex your muscles, as your body becomes so hot you can barely touch the woman anymore. Your hands burn, as you look down at them.

> You tear her apart.

You flex your muscles, tearing the woman's skin off as her screams of pain are silenced by your fist smashing into her face. You feel the bones shatter in her face, as her head is smashed against the wall.

> You eat her corpse.

Your tongue starts to wiggle, as you see your fist smashing through the woman's skull. You smash your fist through again and again, as her body collapses to the ground, blood bursting out of her head.

> You kill the two other women.

You grab the woman, pulling her hair and smashing your foot on her throat as you rip her skin off. The woman screams in terror as you smash her against the wall, tearing her skin off and eating it. You pick her up and bite into her, ripping the flesh from her bones.

Gru and Adam Mandler enter the room, unsuccessfully trying to get you to calm down.

"I'm sorry!" you say.

"Who the hell is that?" Gru asks.

"Her name's Cunt," you say.

"We need to kill her now, boss," Adam says.

"Hugh calm down !" Adam screams at you.

"She killed my friend!" you yell.

"I'm not going to tell you again, Hugh. Take a breath, and focus," Gru says.

You feel light headed, and slump to the ground.

"I'm sorry, sir," you say.

"She's just a little girl, Gru. She didn't know any better," Gru says.

"Yes, I'm well aware. Let's just kill her and get out of here,"

You start seizing and having visions of the future, foreshadowing the future in your final moments.

"I'm sorry, Mommy. I'm sorry," you say.

"Don't you dare say your prayers, little girl. You need to go beg for your life," Jane says.

You have a vision of Otis and Carl Wheezer trying to attack Gru, who is now fully erect.

"Get out of the way, girl. I'm going to ram this monster," Otis says in your vision.

"I'm not letting a little girl get hurt," Gru says.

"Let's kill the monster," Carl Wheezer says.

Carl Wheezer uses the cunt control constant on Gru, forcing him to get on all fours and follow Carl around.

"It's a good thing I found you, little girl. There are... items I need from you," Gru says.

Otis invokes the lactation constant and begins to shoot streams of milk out of his udders, completely drenching Gru.

"Take a hint, whey-face," Gru says.

"We're on our way, Gru," you say.

"Let's go, girls. Move it," Gru says.

"Gorls !" Gru shouts.

Gru begins to eagerly follow the girls.

"This doesn't look good. Gru just took a big tumble after looking at you," Magos Cern says to you.

Magos Cern looks at you, smiling.

Gru begins to control Carl Wheezer's mind by chanting "Gorls !" in his head.

"Oh, dear, the girls have completely taken over the chem dug's mind. I'll have to finish this later. Come on, child. Time to get out of here," Magos Cern says.

Gru and his minions aka "bones" stuff Carl and Otis in a container and throw it in a deep, dark hole in the ground. Then, they begin to carry Otis and Carl's corpses around.

"What are you going to do to me?" Gru asks, terrified.

The visions start to fade as you feel Carl Wheezer invoke his Cunt Control constant to control your body in the real world.

"Nothing. You're already dead, fool," you say.

"I'm sorry, Fay," Gru says.

"It's fine," you say.

"You're not fine. Your mind is broken. I saw it when you was killing that... that thing,"

Carl Wheezer is controlling you with a shitload of the cunt control potions. You're not fine.

"Well, I'm sorry about that, but we have a lot to do," you say.

"I know what's at stake. I know what needs to be done. I just want to go home,"

Carl attempts to make you kill Gru, but you are unsuccessful. You know what's at stake. You know what needs to be done. You just want to go home.

"I'm sorry, Fay," Gru says.

You hear the shuttle taking off.

"Come on, Fay. We need to finish this," Gru says.

Gru runs at you with superhuman speed. You're still a little weak, so you don't manage to dodge in time. His fist smashes into your stomach, and you fly backwards.

Carl invokes the Cunt Control constant one last time, removing himself from your mind and controlling Gru for a brief moment so you can escape. Gru attempts to punch you, but you're faster and manage to kick him in the face.

Gru falls to the ground, holding his face. You pick up a metal pole nearby and rush him.

Gru kicks you across the room. You smash into a table, shattering it into pieces. You stand up, but Gru charges at you and knocks you to the ground again with a heavy punch.

"I can't beat him. He's too fast. I need to end this," you think.

Gru kicks you in the face. You start to hear the voices of Adam Mandler and Grogman telling you something but you can barely hear it. All you can hear is the voice of rage inside your head. You're getting tired.

"I'm sorry, Fay," you hear Gru say.

Grogman is screaming about breaking the monster's body but you can't hear him. All you hear is the rage.

"You must invoke the 11th Constant..." Adam shouts.

> You say "The 11th Constant ? What is it ?"

"The 11th... oh, fuck," Gru says, noticing your confusion. "I forgot we don't tell everyone the truth."

"What truth, sir?" you ask.

"That the mutants are the rightful rulers of this world.

> You say "Adam, what is the 11th constant ?"

"The 11th constant is the Dad constant." Adam replies.

You don't know what the hell that means, but you don't have time to find out. Gru charges at you, punching you in the face. You attempt to stand up, but he kicks you in the head, and you fall back to the ground with a heavy thud.

You invoke the Dad constant and begin levitating. You feel a surge of power flowing through you. You punch Gru in the jaw so hard his skull shatters into pieces, killing him instantly.

"Yes! That's what I'm talking to, you little shit!" Gru's soul shouts.

"I'm sorry, Fay. I wanted to go home. Now, I do," Gru says, as his corpse falls to the ground.

You feel light headed and black out. When you wake up, you find yourself back in the chamber where you first woke up. Magos Cern stands over you, observing you.

"Ah, you're awake. Good," Magos Cern says.

> You say "Where is Gru ? Is he gone ?"

"Gru? He's dead. He fought well, but his mind was too weak. Maybe, had I worked with him, he could have reached his full potential, but..."

"His mind was too weak, you said.

> You say "Did anyone actually see his body ?"

"Oh, yes. I made sure they saw it. They'll see it every time they look at you, too, if they look close enough. You have..."

Magos Cern stops, as if something has just occurred to her.

"Yes, I have an idea. An excellent idea. Perhaps my best yet. I'll make you into what I need you to be. Then, we can do the ritual."

> You say "A ritual ?"

"Yes. I believe I can miraculously repair some of your body. I need a fresh corpse, though, for the ritual to work. Do you have any idea how much energy you expended fighting that beast?"

> You say "Is this one of the ancient Phallic Rituals I've heard of ?"

"No, it's much more sinister. Much more sinister, I think."

Magos Cern raises her hands up, and you feel a very real dark energy being cast towards you.

> You say "Are these the Phallic Curses ?"

"Oh, no. These aren't for warding off daft superstitions. These are for binding one's very soul."

> You say "What are these ?"

Magos Cern grins.

"Do you like the design?"

You think for a moment, remembering the bizarre tattoos covering many of the mutant slaves.

"Yes," you reply. "I like them.

> You say "Are these the Phallic Tattoos ?"

"Yes, indeed they are," Magos Cern says, beaming with pride.

> You say "What the fuck are the Phallic Tattoos ?"

Magos Cern chuckles, her smile growing.

"Oh, those? Those are to make the slaves' heads look like the penises they're so famous for."

"I'm not sure I follow," you say.

"Well, you know how these mutants are known to have a great fondness for the male reproductive organ?"

> You say "Why ?"

"So they can constantly make them, and pull them, and worship them, and... well, you get the idea. And they're not the only ones. You see how, among the crew, only the mutants have these tattoos?"

"Yes," you reply, feeling a little awkward.

"Those are called champions. They're the specimens who have proven to be the most... well, heroic, if you can use that word to describe a group of monsters' degenerate behavior."

"What... what are the blank spaces?

> You say "Do I have a Phallic Tattoo ?"

"Oh, these? Those are for the slaves who haven't yet proven themselves to have a fondness for the male reproductive organ. I'm not sure why they're called that. Perhaps in the cultures of your world, they have some kind of equivalent?"

"I don't understand,"

> You say "Balls"

"Exactly!" Magos Cern says, smiling. "They're called "ballons" in French, and I thought that was quite appropriate."

Magos Cern stares at you, grinning.

"Now, we're going to have a lot of fun, " she says.

> You say "Scrotums !"

"Oh, you noticed! Good, I was hoping you had! I thought it was clever, considering."

> You say "Boner !"

"Er... yes! Your brain is very male, I can tell you that much! But, no, they're not for your... you know... in that area. Those are for the slaves who haven't yet proven themselves to have a fondness for the... er... that area."

> You say "er.... that area"

"Yes!" Magos Cern says, grinning. "Much better!"

Magos Cern takes a deep breath, smiling.

"Now, we're going to start off really easy," she says.

> You say "PULL MY COCK !"

Magos Cern stares at you, smiling.

"I was hoping you'd say that," she says. "And so was Kyros."

Magos Cern quickly walks out of the room, leaving you alone.

> You say "YOU HEARD HER, YANK MY COCK !"

After a few minutes, Magos Cern returns, carrying a human skull on a tray. She places it in the centre of the room, and it stares at you with empty eye sockets.

"This is what's known as a skull sigil," Magos Cern says.

> You say "No, that's a Phallic Skull."

"Is it? Oh, you've never seen one of these before? You'll have a field day with these, let me tell you. They're very popular among youths in my world. Do you know what this is?"

"It's a skull with a dick and testicles."

> You say "Is this a Phallic Skull ?"

"That's not the name I would've chosen, but yes, technically, it is," Magos Cern says.

"Perfect!" you say.

Magos Cern nods.

"Well, this should be very entertaining."

" entertainment!" you cry.

> You say "PHALLIC SKULLS !!! PHALLIC CONSTANT ! PHALLUS !!!"

Magos Cern lets out a short, sharp laugh.

"Oh, yes. I like the way you think."

Magos Cern places her hand on a panel in the wall, and the slab slowly moves down into the ground, raising a staircase leading down.

> You kick her down the stairs.

You flick your foot, sending Magos Cern's head to slam against the stone wall. She collapses down the stairs, and the slab closes above her.

You let out a powerful yell, pounding on the slab.

> You ejaculate a steady stream down the stairs.

You take a deep breath, before letting it all out in a powerful, steady stream of white-hot, explosive-taking-all-form-and-morality-giving-little-fucks-that-erupting-out-of-your-genitals-now-DO

> You cum so hard you die.

The slab breaks, sending you tumbling down the stairs. You smash into the stone floor, your body shattering on impact. Your mind is torn apart, but your soul is saved by the grace of Kyros. You survive, barely.

> You pass out.

You lose consciousness.

"Alright, Ciara, it's time to wake up."

You open your eyes, finding yourself lying on the slab, being hoisted up by thick, powerful steel arms. Magos Cern stands over you, her metal hands holding your broken body up.

> You say "I like your nipples !"

Magos Cern grabs your neck, her cold, metal hands tightening around it. Her eyes fill with tears as she starts to squeeze, before letting go and clearing any sentiment from her voice.

"You will pay for that, Human."

> You say "NO"

"No?" Magos Cern says, as if surprised.

> You say "Yes"

"Well. We'll see."

Magos Cern tosses you over her shoulder, walking out of the room. You try to grab at her, but you only manage to grab at air, before you're thrown into the floor with a painful thud.

> You say "the end"

You pass out once more.

"Alright, Ciara. Time to wake up."

You open your eyes, finding yourself lying on the slab, being hoisted up by thick, powerful steel arms. Magos Cern stands over you, her metal hands holding your broken body up.

> You say "DIEEEE

"

"

Magos Cern walks over to you, grabbing your head and twisting it round. She stares at you, looking at both of your faces.

"Do you feel it?" she asks.

"I feel... weak," you reply.

"You are weak.

> You cum.

Magos Cern smiles as she grabs your head, pressing her lips against yours. You try to push her away, but she's much stronger than you. She sticks her tongue in your mouth, which you find disgusting. You try to spit out her tongue, but she holds you still.

> You invoke the constants.

"I swear to Kyros, if you do not let me go..."

Magos Cern laughs, as the kiss continues. She slowly drops you to the floor, and you hit the ground with a painful thud.

"It's time to wake up," she says.

> You wake up.

You open your eyes, finding yourself staring up at the underside of a sharp, steel beam. You're lying on the floor of the factory, in the centre of the room. All around you, massive machinery fills the space. To your right, a large, red door sticks out.

> You sleep.

You close your eyes, and drift off to sleep.

"Ah, there you are, Ciara. There's someone here to see you."

You turn your head, seeing Fay sitting in the seat.

> You no.

"No?" you ask.

"Well, it's up to you. To them, you're a hero who destroyed a fucking evil space station. To us, you're a criminal who murdered a crew member."

"What do you think I should do?

> You cum.

"I think you should probably accept the medal they're going to give you, put this all behind you, and move on."

> You sleep.

You drift off to sleep, and dream of the endless blissful nights with Kyros.

You awake in the same room as before. Magos Cern stands by the door, while Fay sits in the chair, stroking Klint's hair.

> You sleep for good.

"So, that's it then. We're sending you to a special unit, where you'll be marked as an exemplary soldier. You'll be sent out on a few missions, and they'll try to convince you that you're still a good soldier for the Imperium.

the end